I'm not good at blogging.
In fact, I'm kind of horrible. I'm not good at a lot of things. Like organization. Or folding laundry. I suck at it. My mom had to teach Evan to fold fitted sheets because I'm so bad at it. I'd say I'm not good at singing, though I will admit I like to sing, generally without an audience thank you very much. A lot of people think that as a mom to multiple small children, you're automatically super organized. Yeah... I'm not. I could tell you about the skills God has blessed me with- baking (but not decorating, that's Evan's job), sewing, thinking outside the box when it comes to my kids. I'm decently smart (my husband likes to tell people that I got a 99 on the ASVAB every time I took it, which is true, but I don't think it makes me a genius, either, or anything close to it). As a home schooling mom to four children, people think you HAVE to have it TOGETHER. Yeah... I don't, if by together you mean up by 7 am and breakfast done by 8:30 with children clean, dressed, smiling and ready to learn because YAY they just love learning and I'm such a great mom (do such moms exist or is it just in my imagination that every other homeschooling mom has it more together than I do?). I'm not saying that we sit around watching tv and eating doritos all day (we don't), but there are numerous days where we don't get done what I had planned. We even have days where I opt for a teacher in service day for sanity's sake (I'm the principal and superintendent, too, so I can do that). Some days, it's more important to bend as a family than break trying to cram everything in.
But I have a secret for you. I might not have mad organizational skills, but I have grace. No, not the kind of grace that dancers have, but the kind that the forgiven have, the kind only God can give. Because I also suck at being perfect. I'm not perfect. Far from it (don't listen to my husband, he doesn't know what he's talking about, I'm really not perfect). Every day His grace is new. Every day I need it. And while I strive to teach my kids about being "good kids", I always fail myself and today a blog post I read made me think... I shouldn't be trying to teach my kids to be perfect. One of my big hang ups is that I'm not good enough. I will never be good enough. But God isn't for perfect people- God died for imperfect sinners and that's what I am. Sometimes I yell at my kids and my husband and I'd like to say those are the worst of my sins, but they're not. We all have stuff in our past we're ashamed of and I'm no different. I'm sure there is stuff in my future I will be ashamed of, too. Not on purpose, not because I want to be ashamed of myself or enjoy being ashamed of myself (quite the contrary, I assure you), but because I'm human. Because I NEED the grace of God. Growing up, I was never good enough for my father. What I didn't know then that I know now, is that I didn't NEED to be good enough for my Father- THAT is what I want my kids to know. We can lay our sins down at the feet of Jesus and He will make us clean again. And no matter how hard we try, we will never be lily white on our own. And that's okay. We don't stop trying, but we don't beat ourselves up about it.
Grace isn't just something we say before meals. It's a way of life and a way of life I want to embrace more fully than I do- and I'm working on it. I'm a work in progress. My kids are my life. Evan always says my schedule as a stay-at-home home home-schooling mom to 4 kids is fuller than his schedule as a SFC. I love being a mom to my kids. That doesn't mean I am joyful at 2 am when one child just barely fell asleep and another two think it's time to wake up for the day (see, this is where grace comes in). It doesn't mean I love temper tantrums and rages, meltdowns and poopy diapers. Sometimes I don't mind and other times it might be the end of the world if there is one more tantrum before bed. But through it all I love my kids and through it all, God grants me the grace I need to be mom to my kids. And I have this idea that some day I will be the mom they need and then God reminds me- I am the mom they need. I may never be the perfect mom, but God doesn't call the equipped. He equips those He calls and He will equip me to be the mom they need. We figure it out one step at a time, this thing called parenthood, this thing called RAD, this thing called autism. Just when I'm at the end of my rope, when I feel like I have failed miserably and I can't do it one more moment, God gives me grace. He shows me just how far we've come- as parents, how far we've come since autism diagnoses and gotcha days. How far we've come since giving in to His grace. And some days, I'll admit, I suck at not relying on God for grace. I think I can do it all on my own. The kids yell. I yell back. We cry. And I realize... I need His grace. Things don't magically get easier- RAD isn't automatically cured or brains rewired afresh. But hearts are renewed, spirits refreshed, and hugs freely given. And tomorrow- tomorrow is a new day.
But I have a secret for you. I might not have mad organizational skills, but I have grace. No, not the kind of grace that dancers have, but the kind that the forgiven have, the kind only God can give. Because I also suck at being perfect. I'm not perfect. Far from it (don't listen to my husband, he doesn't know what he's talking about, I'm really not perfect). Every day His grace is new. Every day I need it. And while I strive to teach my kids about being "good kids", I always fail myself and today a blog post I read made me think... I shouldn't be trying to teach my kids to be perfect. One of my big hang ups is that I'm not good enough. I will never be good enough. But God isn't for perfect people- God died for imperfect sinners and that's what I am. Sometimes I yell at my kids and my husband and I'd like to say those are the worst of my sins, but they're not. We all have stuff in our past we're ashamed of and I'm no different. I'm sure there is stuff in my future I will be ashamed of, too. Not on purpose, not because I want to be ashamed of myself or enjoy being ashamed of myself (quite the contrary, I assure you), but because I'm human. Because I NEED the grace of God. Growing up, I was never good enough for my father. What I didn't know then that I know now, is that I didn't NEED to be good enough for my Father- THAT is what I want my kids to know. We can lay our sins down at the feet of Jesus and He will make us clean again. And no matter how hard we try, we will never be lily white on our own. And that's okay. We don't stop trying, but we don't beat ourselves up about it.
Grace isn't just something we say before meals. It's a way of life and a way of life I want to embrace more fully than I do- and I'm working on it. I'm a work in progress. My kids are my life. Evan always says my schedule as a stay-at-home home home-schooling mom to 4 kids is fuller than his schedule as a SFC. I love being a mom to my kids. That doesn't mean I am joyful at 2 am when one child just barely fell asleep and another two think it's time to wake up for the day (see, this is where grace comes in). It doesn't mean I love temper tantrums and rages, meltdowns and poopy diapers. Sometimes I don't mind and other times it might be the end of the world if there is one more tantrum before bed. But through it all I love my kids and through it all, God grants me the grace I need to be mom to my kids. And I have this idea that some day I will be the mom they need and then God reminds me- I am the mom they need. I may never be the perfect mom, but God doesn't call the equipped. He equips those He calls and He will equip me to be the mom they need. We figure it out one step at a time, this thing called parenthood, this thing called RAD, this thing called autism. Just when I'm at the end of my rope, when I feel like I have failed miserably and I can't do it one more moment, God gives me grace. He shows me just how far we've come- as parents, how far we've come since autism diagnoses and gotcha days. How far we've come since giving in to His grace. And some days, I'll admit, I suck at not relying on God for grace. I think I can do it all on my own. The kids yell. I yell back. We cry. And I realize... I need His grace. Things don't magically get easier- RAD isn't automatically cured or brains rewired afresh. But hearts are renewed, spirits refreshed, and hugs freely given. And tomorrow- tomorrow is a new day. 
I know you and you do have grace. I know you give God a lot of credit but I hope you know you deserve so much more credit than you give yourself sometimes. Such as this post! You blogged! Photos and all and I dare say unlike me you didn't upset a stroller gang full of mothers with your post even! LOL Miss you!
ReplyDeleteLaurie Enoch sent me the link to this post. Why? I think because she knew I needed this very timely reminder. I know I've told you before, but I deeply admire you. It isn't because I think you're perfect because you put on such a façade, in fact, just the opposite. It's because you do grace, and that is so very attractive to me. I am constantly feeling like I am failing my children, trying to figure out how to fit everything in the day. How on earth can I get G to OT twice a week and to speech twice a week and to PT twice a week and to adaptive aquatics twice a week and E to play therapy and to OT and then monthly visits to urology and cardiology and neurology and neurosurgery and Orientation and Mobility and ophthalmology and then there is pediatric dentistry and my own appointments thrown in now and then plus actually finding time to school and driving, always driving to and from appointments and being stuck in traffic and feeling guilty for the kids who don't have special needs and who often feel overlooked and forgotten about. How do I balance it all. And then add in laundry and vacuuming and dusting (who dusts anyway?!) and toilets and daily bowel management for one who needs it for life, and phone calls making appointments or fighting with Tricare over coverage for things like AFO's and wheelchair strollers and catheters and more. Some days I wonder why me. Of all the Moms in the world why did God choose ME to mother these five children? It sure isn't because I have it all figured out. Grace. I need to breathe in His grace so I can also extend it to my children. I need to learn how to bend so we don't break so much. I need to make time to be still even if it means sometimes appointments get set aside. I think we spend so much time going to well meaning therapies that my children often miss the simple joys of childhood- playing, exploring, imagining, creating. Anyway, didn't meant this to turn into a novel, sorry. Thank you for being real and for sharing your journey. It truly ministered to me today. ~Holly
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