Reflections and Contentment

When I was in high school, if someone had told me that I would be an Army wife and autism and RAD mom who home schools and loves to sew and bake on the side... I probably would have laughed at them and then maybe smacked them.  I'm just being honest, I've never claimed that I wasn't a bratty teenager. (As a side note, since I was a bratty teenager, I have this idea that perhaps it will help me to prepare my children to NOT turn into bratty teenagers, at least it is my hope and prayer that that is the case.)  I had big dreams and they changed pretty often.  I wanted to be a veterinarian, a rancher, an author, a teacher, and I don't even remember what else.  

   I've been back home twice in the last month.  It's always hard for me.  I always feel like my dad is disappointed in me.  Disappointed that I didn't go to college. Disappointed that I married young.  Disappointed that I didn't "make something of myself."  I always feel the need to justify my life and my choices just because they are so different than what he wanted for me.  And sometimes I think being happy was not on that list.  I realize that to some people my life and my choices are never going to be kosher, but I'm okay with that.  I love talking about my kids, about homeschooling and if you give me half a chance to tell you about it, I probably won't shut up for a long while.  

     The crazy thing is... I might not have planned for my life to turn out the way it has, but I wouldn't change it for the world.  So while what I'm doing now might now seem worthwhile to other people, it is to me.  The moms of today are raising up tomorrow's future.  I'm just a tiny part of that. But I get to be a big part of my children's lives, I get to be their mom and their teacher, something I couldn't do if I had become a veterinarian.  Or even a public school teacher.  I get to be there from the time they get up until the time we tuck them in.  Through prayers and math and story time, learning and growing alongside them.  And yes, sometimes it's hard, but it's always worth if.  Just a few days ago I was blessed to see my oldest figure out a math concept I hadn't taught him yet.  

   The other day I asked my two oldest boys what they liked about homeschooling.  I was a little surprised by Aiden's answer.  He said he likes homeschooling because he gets to spend more time with Mommy and Daddy.  If he went to school he would spent the majority of his time with his teacher and class, like five days a week (I find his was of speaking incredibly endearing most of the time), and he would never see us.  Elijah's answers didn't surprise me as much.  He doesn't like school and he doesn't like work, but he likes learning at home with Mommy and he likes jumping on the trampoline and playing with Legos and he probably couldn't have his Legos at school. He said it all with his sweet little Elijah voice that sometimes has an accent.  :) 

   I'm incredibly thankful for the path that God has led me on and the people He has placed along the way.  Even now I will admit when I'm in the middle of a struggle I don't always recognize it as a learning experience, but in hindsight I'm thankful for the learning experiences I've had, even the painful ones.  I don't live my life to seek the approval of man and while that has been a hard lesson for me to grasp at times, all along I'm learning more and more to trust in God for His will and not my own.  We've all seen how our own plans fail (um, big time!) and we've all run out of steam of our own.  A fellow adoptive mom, during a discussion on whether God gives us more than we can handle, said something that left a big impression on me.  Sometimes we do find ourselves facing more than we can handle on our own, but since we're on our knees, might as well be praying.  Especially for me, with my stubbornness, I think sometimes I have to be brought to my knees before I remember I can't do it alone.  It's in my genes, I think...

Grace

I'm not good at blogging.

In fact, I'm kind of horrible. I'm not good at a lot of things. Like organization. Or folding laundry. I suck at it. My mom had to teach Evan to fold fitted sheets because I'm so bad at it. I'd say I'm not good at singing, though I will admit I like to sing, generally without an audience thank you very much. A lot of people think that as a mom to multiple small children, you're automatically super organized. Yeah... I'm not. I could tell you about the skills God has blessed me with- baking (but not decorating, that's Evan's job), sewing, thinking outside the box when it comes to my kids. I'm decently smart (my husband likes to tell people that I got a 99 on the ASVAB every time I took it, which is true, but I don't think it makes me a genius, either, or anything close to it). As a home schooling mom to four children, people think you HAVE to have it TOGETHER. Yeah... I don't, if by together you mean up by 7 am and breakfast done by 8:30 with children clean, dressed, smiling and ready to learn because YAY they just love learning and I'm such a great mom (do such moms exist or is it just in my imagination that every other homeschooling mom has it more together than I do?). I'm not saying that we sit around watching tv and eating doritos all day (we don't), but there are numerous days where we don't get done what I had planned. We even have days where I opt for a teacher in service day for sanity's sake (I'm the principal and superintendent, too, so I can do that). Some days, it's more important to bend as a family than break trying to cram everything in. But I have a secret for you. I might not have mad organizational skills, but I have grace. No, not the kind of grace that dancers have, but the kind that the forgiven have, the kind only God can give. Because I also suck at being perfect. I'm not perfect. Far from it (don't listen to my husband, he doesn't know what he's talking about, I'm really not perfect). Every day His grace is new. Every day I need it. And while I strive to teach my kids about being "good kids", I always fail myself and today a blog post I read made me think... I shouldn't be trying to teach my kids to be perfect. One of my big hang ups is that I'm not good enough. I will never be good enough. But God isn't for perfect people- God died for imperfect sinners and that's what I am. Sometimes I yell at my kids and my husband and I'd like to say those are the worst of my sins, but they're not. We all have stuff in our past we're ashamed of and I'm no different. I'm sure there is stuff in my future I will be ashamed of, too. Not on purpose, not because I want to be ashamed of myself or enjoy being ashamed of myself (quite the contrary, I assure you), but because I'm human. Because I NEED the grace of God. Growing up, I was never good enough for my father. What I didn't know then that I know now, is that I didn't NEED to be good enough for my Father- THAT is what I want my kids to know. We can lay our sins down at the feet of Jesus and He will make us clean again. And no matter how hard we try, we will never be lily white on our own. And that's okay. We don't stop trying, but we don't beat ourselves up about it. Grace isn't just something we say before meals. It's a way of life and a way of life I want to embrace more fully than I do- and I'm working on it. I'm a work in progress. My kids are my life. Evan always says my schedule as a stay-at-home home home-schooling mom to 4 kids is fuller than his schedule as a SFC. I love being a mom to my kids. That doesn't mean I am joyful at 2 am when one child just barely fell asleep and another two think it's time to wake up for the day (see, this is where grace comes in). It doesn't mean I love temper tantrums and rages, meltdowns and poopy diapers. Sometimes I don't mind and other times it might be the end of the world if there is one more tantrum before bed. But through it all I love my kids and through it all, God grants me the grace I need to be mom to my kids. And I have this idea that some day I will be the mom they need and then God reminds me- I am the mom they need. I may never be the perfect mom, but God doesn't call the equipped. He equips those He calls and He will equip me to be the mom they need. We figure it out one step at a time, this thing called parenthood, this thing called RAD, this thing called autism. Just when I'm at the end of my rope, when I feel like I have failed miserably and I can't do it one more moment, God gives me grace. He shows me just how far we've come- as parents, how far we've come since autism diagnoses and gotcha days. How far we've come since giving in to His grace. And some days, I'll admit, I suck at not relying on God for grace. I think I can do it all on my own. The kids yell. I yell back. We cry. And I realize... I need His grace. Things don't magically get easier- RAD isn't automatically cured or brains rewired afresh. But hearts are renewed, spirits refreshed, and hugs freely given. And tomorrow- tomorrow is a new day.

Journeys

Life is a series of journeys, always accompanied by a promise from the Lord. This blog will be the journal of our journey as a family. I'm Lori, a stay at home, home schooling, boutique clothing sewing mama of four awesome kiddos. My husband is Evan. He is in the Army, a career soldier. He is an amazing husband and father. Our children are Aiden, 8; Annie, 7; Elijah, 6; and Kieran, 4. We are also in process to adopt two more little girls! Gracelyn is 4 and has spina bifida. Kinslee is 2 and has down syndrome. We are excited to be on this journey again.