Reflections and Contentment

When I was in high school, if someone had told me that I would be an Army wife and autism and RAD mom who home schools and loves to sew and bake on the side... I probably would have laughed at them and then maybe smacked them.  I'm just being honest, I've never claimed that I wasn't a bratty teenager. (As a side note, since I was a bratty teenager, I have this idea that perhaps it will help me to prepare my children to NOT turn into bratty teenagers, at least it is my hope and prayer that that is the case.)  I had big dreams and they changed pretty often.  I wanted to be a veterinarian, a rancher, an author, a teacher, and I don't even remember what else.  

   I've been back home twice in the last month.  It's always hard for me.  I always feel like my dad is disappointed in me.  Disappointed that I didn't go to college. Disappointed that I married young.  Disappointed that I didn't "make something of myself."  I always feel the need to justify my life and my choices just because they are so different than what he wanted for me.  And sometimes I think being happy was not on that list.  I realize that to some people my life and my choices are never going to be kosher, but I'm okay with that.  I love talking about my kids, about homeschooling and if you give me half a chance to tell you about it, I probably won't shut up for a long while.  

     The crazy thing is... I might not have planned for my life to turn out the way it has, but I wouldn't change it for the world.  So while what I'm doing now might now seem worthwhile to other people, it is to me.  The moms of today are raising up tomorrow's future.  I'm just a tiny part of that. But I get to be a big part of my children's lives, I get to be their mom and their teacher, something I couldn't do if I had become a veterinarian.  Or even a public school teacher.  I get to be there from the time they get up until the time we tuck them in.  Through prayers and math and story time, learning and growing alongside them.  And yes, sometimes it's hard, but it's always worth if.  Just a few days ago I was blessed to see my oldest figure out a math concept I hadn't taught him yet.  

   The other day I asked my two oldest boys what they liked about homeschooling.  I was a little surprised by Aiden's answer.  He said he likes homeschooling because he gets to spend more time with Mommy and Daddy.  If he went to school he would spent the majority of his time with his teacher and class, like five days a week (I find his was of speaking incredibly endearing most of the time), and he would never see us.  Elijah's answers didn't surprise me as much.  He doesn't like school and he doesn't like work, but he likes learning at home with Mommy and he likes jumping on the trampoline and playing with Legos and he probably couldn't have his Legos at school. He said it all with his sweet little Elijah voice that sometimes has an accent.  :) 

   I'm incredibly thankful for the path that God has led me on and the people He has placed along the way.  Even now I will admit when I'm in the middle of a struggle I don't always recognize it as a learning experience, but in hindsight I'm thankful for the learning experiences I've had, even the painful ones.  I don't live my life to seek the approval of man and while that has been a hard lesson for me to grasp at times, all along I'm learning more and more to trust in God for His will and not my own.  We've all seen how our own plans fail (um, big time!) and we've all run out of steam of our own.  A fellow adoptive mom, during a discussion on whether God gives us more than we can handle, said something that left a big impression on me.  Sometimes we do find ourselves facing more than we can handle on our own, but since we're on our knees, might as well be praying.  Especially for me, with my stubbornness, I think sometimes I have to be brought to my knees before I remember I can't do it alone.  It's in my genes, I think...